My Own Worst Enemy

Photograph by Paolo Pellegrin/Magnum Photos.

My Own Worst Enemy

Before I could even finish pouring the milk onto my frosted mini-wheats that morning, a tear had already begun rolling down my face. I felt absolutely awful inside. More tears followed, and it didn’t take long before I was audibly weeping. I was terrified to think of what might happen if I continued to feel this way. I pushed the cereal bowl aside and buried my head into my hands. It was a beautiful sunny day outside, yet, as I sat alone in the dark kitchen, I couldn’t help but feel like I was dying inside. When the tears finally ceased, I was faced for the first time with the reality that I was no longer the same person. I had become my own worst enemy.

This is my story of depression.

It’s a story that I used to be ashamed of, but have since learned to embrace. It’s a story I started sharing with others but now would like to open the door and invite everyone in. I experienced depression’s unique ability to passively numb the very soul of an individual. It eventually brought me to a place where I felt like the only thing I knew about the man in the mirror was that I hated the way he made me feel. With depression running rampant in our society today, it’s entirely possible for many reading this to in some way be affected. It is to this cause I write. Not to simply tell my story which you will soon find in no way impressive nor unique, but instead to share of the hope I encountered, praying all who are in need may find it as well.

Reflecting back, my story sounds exactly like you would expect of a typical quarter life crisis. Following graduation from Texas A&M, I had already applied to medical school, but with no immediate job plans moved back home with my parents. I went from being extremely involved and busy with college to suddenly having abundant free time as I waited to hear back from schools. The hearing back took longer than anticipated which ended up contributing to my first problem: I had lost my purpose. Relationship issues soon followed, and to make an overly complicated story really short, the girl I was dating broke up with me.

I was completely devastated. It was a level of emotional pain I didn’t know existed. She was the one I saw myself marrying. She was my future, and on that Wednesday night, as I sat begging and crying outside her apartment she became nothing more than a memory. That was my breaking point, and looking back now, it’s apparent why. It revealed my second major problem: I had created an idol. I had elevated her to a place in my life where only God belonged. Unknowingly, I had allowed another person to become my primary source of joy and satisfaction. With no purpose to fall back on, when that idol was ripped away, I was left with nothing but my own brokenness.

Perhaps you can relate with what followed. The emotional pain started to become physical. Each morning would greet me with a sickening feeling in my gut and a constant pressure on my chest. Sleepless nights and a complete loss of interest in all the things I once enjoyed became commonplace. I could force a smile if needed, but my life was utterly void of happiness. I may have been present physically, but mentally was absent; I was desperate for peace of mind. The one thing I will never forget is being terrified of the night to come. For it was at night, while lying in bed, that I was forced to face my own thoughts. With my mind in a darker place than the room around me, most nights ended with me crying myself to sleep.

In a twisted way those feelings became normal because they were what I grew to expect. This described my life for a couple months until I reached the morning when things would finally change. Going back to that morning I opened with, it was then that I made one of the most important decisions of my life; to take God at His word. In my desperation, I can still vividly remember thinking that if God couldn’t change the way I was feeling then perhaps I was wasting my time calling myself a Christian. I began to question all I once held certain, but in my questioning, I had one of the most honest discussions with myself. I had always believed that Christianity was different from every other religion because at its foundation existed the opportunity to have an actual relationship with the only true God. Had I been deceived? If a relationship with this God was possible then so was His super-natural power in my life, a power that could change the way I was feeling.

You see, that morning I was faced with the exact same reality everyone reading this is faced with today. Religion is not a mere matter of personal preference, it’s a matter of truth. Either the claims of the Bible are true, or they aren’t. The Koran claims Jesus never died on a cross, while the Bible states he did. Both cannot be right. Not to be overly simplistic, but in a culture where “it’s true for you, but not for me” reigns supreme, I want to be clear. The Bible does in fact have much to say related to depression, but of highest priority is its message that we will all stand before God one day with our eternal destination solely dependent upon whether or not we believed and trusted in the sacrifice Jesus provided on the cross. On that day, there will be no room for relativity. As C.S. Lewis famously said, “Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”

With seemingly no other options the decision was made to rediscover the truths of my faith. As a Christian, I knew the primary ways to connect with God were through prayer and reading of His holy scriptures, both of which due to the depression I had abandoned. If what I claimed to believe was true, then I recognized my first step to feeling better would start with these things. Needing to get out of the house, I grabbed my Bible and headed to the closest Starbucks with two central questions.

Does God really love me?

Does God really have a plan for my life?

More than anything, I needed to genuinely feel loved and I needed to deeply understand I still had purpose. After ordering my coffee I sat down and prayed. Unable to muster up any impressive sounding words my prayer was simple, a plea if you will. I confessed to God the sin of abandoning my faith and absolutely begged Him to lift me out of the darkness that surrounded me. As I started reading, I simply wrote down all the verses I felt applied to my current situation. After the page started to fill up I paused, and began to reflect over what I had already found. Near the top of the page was written, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. There I sat completely brokenhearted, with my spirit crushed. God definitely didn’t feel near, and no saving of my spirit had been done. Was the book of Psalms solely just poetry, or was the Lord truly near and ready to save me? I wanted so badly for the latter to be true. The rest of my time was spent praying that God would make all the verses I read real in my life. For the first time in months, as I made my way down the list, the weight on my shoulders began to lighten, and I experienced brief moments of peace of mind. Unfortunately, those feelings were short lived and as I drove home I returned to the agony I was accustomed to.

The next morning however, something was drastically different. I still woke up feeling awful, but inside I possessed a literal craving for time at Starbucks with my Bible. The numbness had been broken. Although seemingly insignificant, that small amount of peace I had experienced the day before was enough for my soul to latch onto. What would unfold over the course of the next month would include hours spent every-day at Starbucks reading my Bible and pleading with God to intervene in my life. There was never a single moment when everything was suddenly better but over time the peace I was experiencing started lasting longer. At first only while at Starbucks actively pursuing God, with the darkness returning shortly after leaving. But as time progressed I started to experience the peace even while at home, eventually bringing me to a place where the symptoms of depression never returned.

Looking back, I have no doubt God could have instantaneously healed me the first time I asked Him. Instead, through a gradual restoration process, He forced me to depend on seeking Him daily. I rediscovered that His word, the Bible, is still very alive and powerful today. My heart felt the love Romans 8:38-39 speaks of. “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” My mind trusted in the guidance Proverbs 3:5-6 promises, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Although I was still without a girlfriend and didn’t know where I would attend medical school, I was more than content with where life found me; I was joyful. It was a joy independent of life’s circumstances because it was centered on knowing no matter what happened in this life, my eternal destination was secure in Christ. With that as my foundation, I was ready to face whatever temporary challenges this world threw my way.

Fast forward several years later and just two days ago I graduated from medical school, soon to be working at the very same hospital as my beautiful wife. I am not implying God will always respond with this type of earthly “picture-perfect ending”. Often times the fruition of our prayers and delivery from our circumstances will not be fully accomplished until we get to Heaven. But I am saying with complete confidence the God of the Bible is real, He loves us, and He is still at work today. We may not understand on this side of eternity why things happen the way they do, but I fully believe a day is coming when it will all make sense. On that day we will look back and realize just how much greater His plan truly is. The question for us now is whether or not we will trust Him.

There is much more I could say about my story than this short post allows. With that said, I am humbled by the conviction God allowed me this experience so that I might be a blessing to someone else. Please don’t hesitate to reach out or share this with someone who may be in need. I hope my story provides encouragement for those currently struggling and brings awareness of the reality of depression for those who aren’t. Ultimately, I recognize my words are only as good as they are able to accurately point back to His words. During my journey, I decided to organize all the verses I found applicable to how I was feeling and will be posting them as a resource for anyone interested. They can be found under the pages tab on my blog titled, “A Burdened Heart and the Sovereignty of God.”

At the conclusion of my journey, I attempted to summarize everything I learned into one concise paragraph. I find no better way to end than by sharing it below.

It is with the utmost confidence that I find rest on this assurance; amidst every moment of life’s darkest hours, as a child of the most High, I am surrounded by the love of God, guided by the providence of God, and protected by the sovereignty of God. I am able to be patient and hopeful during seasons of adversity, while being thankful and humbled during seasons of prosperity. Though often unable to imagine, I choose to trust in God’s promise that he is not only present but is actively working on my behalf bringing forth good from all of life’s circumstances. Until the day He brings me home, my heart will continually say blessed be the name of the Lord.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26